It's been awhile...

It's been awhile since I blogged.  It has been a rough several months.  I was sick and exhausted for almost 3 months straight.  I took a little time off from blogging during that time.  Just when I was starting to feel a little better and was planning to blog again and announce that I was pregnant we lost the baby.

I had a little boy on December 13th.  It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  I had no warnings.  It went to my 16th week appointment (just a couple days early) and we got the worst news ever...there was no heart beat and our boy was gone.  There was nothing we could do. 

Needless to say, it has been a rough 7 weeks since then.  I wasn't completely naive.  I knew things could go wrong, but I never knew how hard it was to actually go through it.  After weeks of nausea and attempting to teach while either throwing up or dry heaving all day everyday, I was so excited to make it to the 2nd trimester and to start feeling better.  My kids were so excited to be a big sister (again) and a big brother (for the first time).  Bubby insisted the baby in my tummy was a boy.  He was right.  I was starting to feel comfortable and so happy to be in the "honeymoon period" of my pregnancy just to lose him.  I was due June 3rd.  Everyone said it was perfect timing for a teacher.  I thought 2 months of summer was not enough to stay home with a newborn.  We were working on plans for me to stay out a little longer into the next school year.  So many plans...

I'm trying to go day by day as the grief never goes away.  The minute I think I'm doing okay and trying to be normal it hits again like a ton of bricks. 

My blog may become an outlet to write out my feelings.  I just haven't decided how public I want to go with everything although just typing it and admitting it now is pretty public already. 

I miss my son everyday.  A small part of me is with him just as my two other children have pieces of my heart as well.